Is Home Really Home?

Originally posted on The Trek on October 11th, 2016

Since being back home from the trail, I miss it terribly. Sure there were bad days. Days that I felt like going home; when I was sick of the pain, when it got emotionally and mentally challenging, and when I doubted myself and my capabilities. I missed my family, my fur-children, and my friends at home. I missed having toenails and the sensation in my right foot. I thought I missed a lot of things.

However, being home has come with its own un-pleasantries. My body has been rejecting standard hygiene. I get super dry skin when I shower daily and sometimes even when I shower every other day. This is perhaps due to the fact that daily showers aren’t an easy option on the trail, and my body adapted to those changes. Deodorant wasn’t really effective either for a while, and I would often forget to use it (some habits are hard to break). My closet smells like a fart now. I should probably burn my sweat saturated gear. Detergent and Febreeze just doesn’t penetrate it.

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What my hiking gear smells like. You can come up with more than one conclusion to this one.

I’ve become more stressed. Being on the Appalachian Trail, I noticed that my anxieties surprisingly decreased dramatically. Simplifying your life does that. Now that I’m back in society, I realized I’ve forgotten how angry driving makes me, and I recently started grinding my teeth again. I’ve also been having frequent dreams of the trail, and of my teeth falling out. Is this stress or is this overshadowing the whole hygiene thing? Maybe it’s both, who knows? Now that I’m home, whenever I see the word “at,” I light up and think it says A.T. I sometimes will read a sentence in my head this way.

What saddens me most is that now that I’m home, no one gets it. It’s not their fault that they can’t relate, but it still makes returning home a challenge. I find myself feeling socially awkward at times because of it. Sure I’ve gained a lot of confidence in myself and I’m more of a go getter, but even when I am quite literally “home,” I don’t feel that way. It’s something about the trail, and the society shaped around it that feels more like “home” to me.

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The trail built my trust in humanity again. In a life full of corruption, political rants, division of class, race, sexual orientation and gender, advertisements emptying pockets while breaking down esteem by filling minds with self-loathing and lust over material things, closed minds and unwelcoming hearts, it’s no wonder! I feel in this life people are slowly dying, while in life on the trail you’re slowly learning how to live again. I guess that’s why I’m drawn back to it and eagerly awaiting the time to return. Even upon completion, I think I’ll return to the mountains again. To my trail family, I miss you all dearly and hope we stay in touch and cross paths again, perhaps on a different trail. I hope your immersion back into society has been easier than mine. I’m back home, but I’m feeling homesick. I’m addicted in a bad way.

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