You Might Be a Long Distance Hiker If…

When you spend such a long time in the woods around a bunch of stinky freeloaders, you develop a certain lifestyle. Things that you used to be self-conscious about, you no longer stress. Things you found disgusting and frowned upon, you now embrace. People in town can smell you and look at you with repulsion, but you stare back at them with pride. That odor that resembles a combination of dog poop and McDonald’s kitchen grease? That’s you! You earned that! There are several experiences and behaviors that these creatures share in common with each other. Here are just a few of them.

You might be a long distance hiker if…

Your average diet consists of: Ramen noodles, trail mix, Pasta Sides, Cliff Bars, Slim Jim’s, and other processed garbage.

You shower once ever 7-14 days on average.

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You forgot what this is used for.

Average people walk by you and mention that something smells like dead animals or wet dog.

You realize that black bears are just giant raccoons.

Scoring these for free is like finding gold.
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Getting these is refreshing too.

You walk by average people and can identify what hair products, cologne/perfume, deodorant, and/or soap they’re using.

The ‘5-second rule’ is valid for all food groups, it is honored, and is extended to infinite time.

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You’re not opposed to jumping into a dumpster and digging through a trash bin.

You’ve been kicked out of a restaurant or an All You Can Eat Buffet due to body odor or voracious eating.

You might have a beard, and a knee brace or two.

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This mushroom looks like food and suddenly you’re craving pancakes.
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Or you see these and you suddenly want buttermilk biscuits and comfort food.

Your grade school backpack weighed more than your hiking pack.

You keep track of everyone’s bowel movements.

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You forgot what this was used for.

You can add “hitchhiking” to your job skills on your resume.

You aren’t opposed to sleeping on the ground, on top of a picnic table, or even in a bathroom.

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Or anywhere for that matter.

You might have trouble identifying what is an intense sock tan line versus just a thick layer of dirt.

Getting in touch with trail people on social media is a hassle, because you don’t know anyone’s real name.

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This is drinkable.

You absolutely embrace the term “hiker trash” and aren’t offended when you’re labeled as such.

You’ve lost toe nails and gained a lot of body hair.

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You dread walking on this…
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… And this!

You have calf muscles for days, but also have noodle arms.

The bulk of your conversations with other hikers are about food.

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Your face when people ask if you carry a gun with you on the trail.

When you are approaching a road, you hope to find a person cooking food.

Some of the things you’ve packed out with you from town might be: a whole pizza (or two), a 30 rack of beer, several sub sandwiches, McDoubles…

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… and lots of them.
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That is, if you manage not to eat all of it before you return to the trail.

You’ve shared a motel room with a complete stranger and didn’t feel awkward about it.

If you find a cooler filled with trash, you get really sad and feel left out.

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You steal this when you’re in town.

You can pack and un-pack you gear before a day hiker can remove the pack from their back.

You love the trail life and when you’re not out there, you’re constantly thinking about when you’ll return.

So fellow hikers, anything else you might add?

2 thoughts on “You Might Be a Long Distance Hiker If…

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